I have been trying to be positive these last few days. To admire the way the mountains look on my walk to work. To enjoy the way the air felt yesterday on the first day of fall. To laugh at all the absurd things that happen every day because I don't speak Japanese.
But the truth is that I am haunted lately.
The fact is that my ex-boyfriend, whose death I just found out about, took his own life. He is the first person I have ever known to commit suicide, and I don't know how to come to terms with it.
Even if someone isn't a part of your life any more, and even if you don't particularly care for that person, you never, ever expect something like this to happen.
There was a part of me that always just assumed that I might run into him again one day, and maybe we would be friends or something. At least I would know that he was okay.
An unplanned death is tragic. A planned death is tragic and confusing. It is very confusing. It is hard to understand why a 24-year-old man would want to take his own life. When I knew him, I could see that he was troubled. I had troubles of my own, so I think it is good that we parted ways when we did.
And now I am haunted by a person who I once knew, who decided to stop living at the age that I am right now. I am haunted by a world that produces people like this. I am haunted by my own inability to do anything about this. By the messy circumstances that parted us. By all the things that make this harder to process.
There is no clear sadness, no reason to miss anyone. But I feel this sadness that I don't think I would feel if his death had been an untimely accident. But it wasn't an accident.
I don't want to get too personal, but if you knew him and want to talk about it, you can message/email me.
There is no one to blame in a time like this. When people are sick and feel pain, they will look for relief. But if you ever think about doing this or know someone who does, please look at this website: Suicide.org
And please always, always tell someone if you need help. Asking for help is the best skill that I have acquired in life. You will be amazed by the kindness and love in people's hearts, even in the hearts of people who don't know you.
Take care of yourselves.