zen

I have the kind of anxiety that makes me feel like I have a tumor the size of a golf ball somewhere in my brain, a growth that has been forming for years and years because of cell phone radiation and is just now showing symptoms. Lightheaded, nauseated, disconnected. Combined with feelings of imminent death, I'm starting to understand why people sometimes need medication to deal with the stresses of everyday life.

I had a dream about being in a plane crash last night. But Google wisdom tells me that this only means that I feel out of control of a situation and the stakes are high, not that I am going to live out the opening scene of Final Destination (scariest movie scene EVER). This interpretation seemed to comfort me for a while, but the lightheadedness never fully subsided.

So I've decided to take up meditation. I've started praying and connecting with God again, which is a tremendous help and blessing, but I need a way to productively deal with my stress, er, full-blown panic. Because I've learned in my life that anything can happen at any moment, and that isn't always a good thing. Zack says that meditating is about focusing in on your emotion and really experiencing it. Taking control. So that's what I'm trying to do right now, when everything depends on a little piece of paper.

Once my plane lands safely in Tokyo, I will go through Immigration with my Letter of Guarantee, get my bags, and kiss Zack. Then, when I am back home, I will write a blog and tell you all about it. That's the plan.

It's technically Monday now, so I technically leave tomorrow. In approximately 23 hours. I am so ready for this journey to be over.